I am just a girl with a broken smile.
So, this is me.
This week has been quite a tough week for me.
Imran said that it’s hard to see me smile these days. It’s true…. I can’t recall a day in this week that I hadn’t shed a tear. How can I smile…. how can I be happy, with what I am?
I had my test results last Monday, and that was the beginning of everything. Obviously, I was frustrated with my marks because with the amount of work that I did, and the amount of things that I’ve studied, I was sure that I was really prepared. I studied till bored, I studied till I have nothing to study for… and honestly, it was super depressing. As if I don’t study enough. Thinking back again, maybe I should just stop. Stop trying to hard. Because you know what, I’ll never get it. I’ll never be the best. I’m sick and tired of trying. Trying and trying and nothing good ever comes out of it. I just want to be the best. No one understands that. No one truly understand what I felt.
To make the situation worst, all of my friends scored higher than me, better than me. It was an Easy A paper, and why can’t I do it???!?!
And they said “It’s okay. It’s not bad.” Prolly not bad for you, but it’s really bad for me. Well, I’m sorry that my standard is pretty damn high, I’m just being a typical Asian and it’s not my fault that my parents expect so much from me.
I know those people in Africa deals more things than I do, even homeless people has more problems than I do.. But one thing I wanna let out is that… don’t you feel so depressed when you almost had it, or probably did have it, and it all didn’t end up well for you?
I prolly wouldn’t complain much if I didn’t study, and laze around all day. For all the other tests, I felt that I did badly, not because I didn’t studied, I just felt…. stupid. Maybe I am stupid after all, and I need to accept the fact that I do.
I’m sorry for everything. Sorry for not being able to visit you when you were sick before this…… Little did I knew.
On the third of July, I was told that you were gone… You were gone, forever; for good. You’re never going to return. You’re with God now.
I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, yet the worst thing was that , I couldn’t attend your funeral because I had to sit for my Dynamics test that night.
I don’t have much memories with you… but it I had to name one, it would be the one when I was 11. My parents went to do their pilgrimage and I remembered there was this specific time where I had a fight with my cousin, and the next day I didn’t want to go to school because I was sick. Then, right at that particular morning, you accompanied me to go and see a doctor. It was at our usual family doctor, Seong.
I also remembered that time, when you complimented on my shirt, you said it was pretty… and the last time you said that I should wear something glamourous because you said my baju kurung wasnt pretty. And that time when you asked me what I wanted to be, and you told me not to be an engineer, because it was pretty difficult for a girl to be surrounded by guys. Little do I know back then, but I understand what she meant now that I’m in an engineering course.
Just now, I went to the family page, and I saw pictures of you, the pictures of your grave, and how many pretty flowers on your grave, and then…. I went across of this video birthday celebration of your birthday 4 years ago. You were so happy, and looked healthier than the last time I met you…. I just, felt sad that you’re no longer with us anymore… but I understand, and accepting the fact that it’s your time to go and one day it’ll be my turn too. In fact, it’ll be everyone’s turn too.
I had a dream about you, a few days ago. I don’t know why I dreamt of it. Perhaps..Maybe… It’s because I miss you. :’(
That is the question. Am I still dead or alive in this tumblr world? Yes? No? Maybe?
Yes, I am still alive. But in this tumblr world? Hmmm, to be honest, I do check my tumblr regularly. And no, for I haven’t been posting anything lately.
Why is this so ?
Guess… I was just busy. Even if I wasn’t, I’m slowly making my boyfriend as my ‘tumblr’. I let out most of the things on him now. As he personally said that he wants to be my ‘social network’, my ‘tumblr’ , my ‘twitter’, and all the other places where I usually rant or crap..